Set Sail or Anchor ??

Grabbed in a storm of two minds
It doesn't seem it'll be over soon
An indecisive struggle my boat fights
Riding tides made by the moon
And though the storm will end
Will my boat make it through?


How many more days and how many more nights
Will my boat deal with this typhoon?
Sea water is rough and the gales very strong
My boat is only made of wood
It could sink or sail away
Into the distance forever for good


Grabbed in a battle of two conflicting kinds
And it doesn’t seem it’ll be over soon

Oh what will be my boat’s plight?
Would it set sails against the winds
Or anchor against the sea’s might?
Would my boat stay put
Or would it put up a fight?

From Moments to Memories to Marriage Thoughts - I

As I was sitting on my cozy bed watching a romantic bollywood flick, all engrossed in a scene where the bride and groom face the holy fire, I hoped at least someday such hot wrath of holy fire would burn off my bad karmas. It was 2 am, and I was half asleep. I couldn’t feel my feet. Maybe it was because of the biting cold of wintry weather or maybe because I was sitting cross-legged for too long. My brain swung between sleep and semi-consciousness, and at a point the couple on the screen blurred. All I could see was a hazy picture of the bride clad in red from head to toe and my eyes closed.

*

“Mamma, I want to wear that frock and pink bellies please.” I said as mum opened the bag to take out my clothes.

“No. You’ll wear it when all we family members will go for the picnic tomorrow, you’ll spoil the frock by then. You’ll run in the fields, climb on mango tress of the orchards with your cousins and make it dirty. Frock and the pink bellies tomorrow, ok?” mamma replied. She got busy with the relatives with all her brimmed enthusiasm as she met them after long.

“I want to wear it now and show it Dadima, pleaseeeee mum” I insisted, puppy eyes as I tried to put the words as intensely as possible.

My sister, Divya jija walked past the window of my room jus then. I saw she was also dressed in her comfy old capris then.

“Okay” I agreed all of a sudden with my mother instantly. Surprised and relieved my mother put on a white cotton frock, combed my hair and I ran out to join my cousins outside. We all went to the fields, in the tractor. I sat beside Divya jija, constantly watching how she behaved, sat, what she said, etc, smiling at her whenever our eyes met. She was the eldest and the most affectionate among the group. As the tractor stopped, we hopped off on by one. I did too, but instead of landing on my feet, I fell and landed on all four.

I woke up suddenly with a jerk as my head fell off my palm. I smiled. The television was still on. I realized how ancient the ‘tractor’ days were. They seemed so far away. It made me wonder whether they really existed. Thos were the days when deciding on something was so simple. I hugged the warm pillow beside me and my eyes began to drop again… Everything around turned black again.

*

From Moments to Memories to Marriage Thoughts - II

*

Tears rolled down my cheeks as Divya jija held me by my shoulder and asked,
“What happened ?”
“Marks” I replied, in the lowest volume. My head bowed down in shame.
“Arre its okay, Mamisa wont say anything. Jus say sorry and that you’ll work hard in the next term” she said, reassuringly.

I had barely survived to pass in the Maths exam when my other classmates managed to secure really good marks.

“But my other friends have done very well” I uttered, sobbing really hard. I saw my tears fall off and land on my grey pinafore. I desperately hoped for more reassuring words and as none came, I looked up.

She had this “why- the- hell- you- have- to- irrelevantly- compare- with- others” look on her face. As I kept looking, hoping she’ll say something, she just pressed her lips. My heart sank even more. I felt terrible about myself. I bid her goodbye and walked off. Once out of sight, I started walking fast out of nervousness. Somewhere down the road, as more water filled in my eyes, ready to flow, my vision blurred and I tripped on a stone and fell, bruising my elbow.

I woke up again. I chuckled at how silly I was. We all were, aint we? As I child, I felt such intense emotions on such small things. We lived completely in the moment. I slept off again and drifted away.

*

From Moments to Memories to Marriage Thoughts - III

“I can’t believe she fought with me for her loser boyfriend!” I said, disheartened.
“C’mon. you’ll do that too when you’ll have one.” she said to soothe me.
“I always support her. What is she doing?” I said in a pissed off manner. I couldn’t leave her and felt like calling her up and crying on the phone.
“Come” jija said.
“Nothing, you’re doing nothing but having an ice cream with me…come” she answered.
“What? I’m in a no mood to go eat an ice cream! What for?” I protested.
“To cool down your racing head” she dragged me.

Mid-way, I gave into the idea and after two mango dollies each, we didn’t care a damn about anything. Smiling and making promises, we parted to our respective homes.

I woke up and turned side ways. Recalling the dream, one ice cream was all it took to revitalize us.

*

And now is even a life partner enough? I smiled remembering how we had fallen on each other when needed. And now everything has changed after she got married. After a point it becomes awkward calling her all the time. And my issues would seem so petty to her, after all the responsibilities she’s bound to take care after her marriage. I always believed marriage to be a relationship based on undermining the past ones. Were the other relationships too? If yes, then what would be the ultimate, unchanging relationship?

*

There had been times I had been smitten by her, hated her, and started liking her again and then there were incidents where I’d decided I would love her forever. How typically I had fallen in love with her. And such a typical love-hate relationship we shared! Is that what love is, I wondered…If that was true, I tried to reason what was so special about marriage? What was the need of it at all? May be people got married because gradually all those who they fell back on got married.

I couldn’t help but wonder that if I had someone who would satisfy my emotional needs, would I ever tie the knot? Would anyone? Why was marriage so important? I felt my brain hurt and instantly longed for the days when decisions about things in life were simply a mere facsimile of the decisions of the person you looked up to for no particular reason.

They call it, 'A Lot Like Love'

I am no expert to comment on love. But today morning while I was talking to a friend of mine who was still crazy about a guy whom she had been dating in the past and who left her to marry a certain girl from his community made me to re-think on this topic.

*

Every night she used to lie on her bed, tossing and turning, having her usual uneasy sleep. Since he had left her 8 months back, this is what sleep had become to her- hanging somewhere in-between, in an uncomfortable state of trance. She didn’t complain. But almost every night the same film played in her mind. It would be very real every single time. She missed his rough palms that caressed her soft cheeks, his rock solid arms that lifted her out of play, even his body smell when he had last hugged her. She needed him to hold her but the very thought of him having left her life caused the tears roll down her cheeks. She closed her eyes and her face crimped as she silently cried harder; she uttered her most desperate wish, “Please come back”

*

I’ve often seen love quite messy, unpredictable an extremely painful. I could feel my friends sorrow.

Sometimes when you sit and reminiscence, there is a slight sliver of the almost forgotten tingle that passes your body.

Why the hell is that there?

No matter how brief or short-lived the romance was, you seem totally hooked on them.

As Carrie Bradshaw said, “Some love stories are not epic novels, some are short stories, but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.”

*

There is a point of time when you think that you love someone to the core, with all your heart and soul, but that someone resolutely refuses to fall in love with you. It’s not like in the cute romantic movies where a guy realizes what a dumb ass he’s been all the while and comes back running to you.

In actual life, sadly there is no boom, no audience applause, no heart throbbing moment before you kiss in love and be happily united forever. But the feeling. . .Well, they get the feeling spot on right in the novels and movies.

Yes it is very natural that you feel weak in the knees, u feel giddy, your heart skips a beat hearing their voice. And when the other person doesn’t reciprocate, you lock yourself in your room all day long, staring into the space, tortured by agonizing spasms of loss and tearing grief at the way things ended.

*

For me, Love is like a good weather. Because, fall, wind, snow, rain are just another kind of good weather. Aren’t they? And all of them subside one way or the other. In life, there are big exciting romantic moments which make life worth living. But here is the problem. Moments pass away, and lurking around the corner for those moments is the cruel hearted unshaven truth named “REALITY”

*

Kate Winslet’s words in the movie ‘The Holiday’,

“I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have been misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy? And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he will see the light and show up at your door. And after all that....however long 'all that' maybe, you will go somewhere new. And you will meet people who will make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those months and years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

*

The scar will always be there, but if you see it closely, it’s getting lighter and lighter every day, until just a dash remains and it doesn't hurt you anymore. It’s just there. . .

Sorrows are also Beautiful...

And now that i've cried a thousand nights
or maybe more..
who kept the count?

Overturning pillows received the waters of pure emotions
that whimpered..

An impassive face by day asks,
" How many more nights will it be? "

" Who knows " i say,
" Will i really enjoy my days without those? "

Life, A Race!

I wish I could jus relax under the warm sun
Munching on that sweet bun
With nobody around, but jus its glare
And something that would make me shine too

I wish I could jus stare at that cheerful hopping bird
His feet in dust and mine in dirt
With nobody else but its chirrup
And something that would clear off the mess

I wish I could jus walk by those dense tall trees
My shoes crunching the dry leaves
With nobody else but jus its shade
And something that would make me stand tall too

I wish, I so wish I could jus sit and everything around pass by
Wondering the reason for this race
With nobody but their hazy forms
And something that would probably keep me too at their pace!

Jus one happy thought!

If ever
Smiles shrink to a frown, you're standing straight

When things don look so great and your heart sinks
You feel yourself drown...

Thats when
It's jus one happy thought that makes a difference!
Jus one happy thought that keeps you going!

A hope that binds you to life and dreams overflowing

Jus one happy thought
To keep your sorrow from showing!

But
Thats not so easy as it seems
You've gotta hold your breath,
You've gotta pay off your life's debt,
You'll start to think that smiles don't come for free

That's when
It's jus one happy thought that makes a difference and keeps you going!

A hope that binds you to life and dreams overflowing

Jus one happy thought
To keep your sorrow from showing!

Beyond felicity

Beyond the first ripe orange ray that peeks through the dark sky,
Beyond the first flickering & twittering that celebrates this light,
Beyond the first content smile on the face
Seeing the one lying beside you on the bed, and
Trying him to wake

There are dark clouds of lonesomeness on the streets where smiles are forever dead!

Beyond the first gentle kiss of that ray that warms the abode,
Beyond the first vivacious flower that expressed happiness & glowed,
Beyond the first shy lowering of eyes
When that curious search led to the rendezvous of gaze

There is a dark cloud of hopelessness on the street where the sunlight got lost in a maze!

Beyond the first bright yellow leaf that stoops to welcome the autumn,
Beyond the first rain drop on the snail that made him coil,
Beyond the first extremely painful cry
That led them to the joyous tears of parenthood

There is a permeative breeze of terror on the street where the rains drowned the hopes!

As i gradually get immersed by helplessness
And as i abandon the hope to see beyond
All i do is wish
That I could do something substantial
Than being bewildered in such shallow felicitous lyrics!

Playfulness!!!

This is one of those concepts all you guys are familiar with but find it bit hard to define. Many a times your close mates tend to tell you to stop acting kiddish, and behave like grown ups. To them I’d say “We don’t stop playing because we grow old, BUT we actually grow old because we stop playing!!”

It is sometimes misinterpreted that playfulness is a sign that a person hasn't grown up. But actually being playful is in no manner co-related with a difficulty in being serious!

There’s this famous biblical quote we learnt in school, which says, “Now that I am a man, I have put away childish things.” The incitement to be grown up about life and take things seriously is pretty well understood, but boy, do we really heed it?? Well I’d guess “NO” You think society has a real down on playfulness. On that I’d again say, “OFCOURSE NOT”

According to me, its something that is really exciting, intoxicating and it nurtures the part of us that still feels like a kid!!

Many psychologist & researches have also claimed that being playful is a great EMOTIONAL RESOURSE. I’d read this somewhere (though I don’t remember the exact sources) that states “A couple that plays together, stays together!”

And according to me, some of the best playful moments happen spontaneously. For instance acting coyly or affectionately teasing “your-that-someone” can be considered as a “romantic kind of playfulness”.

It is something that is very essential component in building healthy relationships – your connections with family, friends, your co-workers, your lover everybody.

More importantly, it is to be in the moment that makes the “play” possible. The more often you laugh, the more you enjoy with your fellow mates, the more playful you are with them, the more it keeps them by your side. Such acts are somewhat contagious. By that I mean, the moment others hear the laughter primes, their respective brains send signals for a bright smile and there arises a willingness to join in on the fun.

It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful side. As a baby you were always playful. So why let that so-called concern of “how you’d look” or “how you’d sound” to others limit your playfulness??!

Just loosen up a little bit, identify things you already enjoy, and incorporate playful activities in it. Embrace your playful nature with other people! :D

WHIMSICALITY!!!

It’s strange at times how much weirdly whimsical a person can be..There have been times when you are not sad, but neither happy…Citing my personal example, I wish to write upon this. Read on:

How much fun it would be had it been possible to turn back the time and travel into a period where life was so carefree, where bunking classes was a trend, cribbing over exams was an art, cursing teachers was purely enjoyable, sighing over that ‘cute guy’, assuring to pay the dues to the chaiwala, wondering what the future would be like...

How much fun it’d be taking a long holiday from work, going shopping till you can’t shop anymore, dancing like a crazy duck, relishing the aroma of tea and hot pakodas and the smell of wet soil during the rains, getting thrilled for a long drive on a rugged bike with the man you love on a pleasant summer evening in your usual comfy tee & shorts, enjoying a soft, fluffy candy floss till it dissolves in your mouth…

How wonderful joyful life it’d be had it been simply staying with your girlfriends, hanging out with them, roaming around and doing all the possible mad crazzyy girly stuffs with them, working with them, screaming with them, learning with them…

Sometimes how much happiness it’d given you every time you saw yourself in the mirror, where for a moment it takes you back and drops in the middle, and acts like a magnifier to look through yourself, at yourself! To notice the unperturbed fire within…To appreciate the lovely dress in which you’ve posed numerous times elegantly…

There are these familiar surroundings always that do bring a smile, but sometimes not for too long.
There is this feeling like an injured soldier.
There prevails this weird emptiness within that gets hidden behind those laughter & enjoyment with best friends, cousins or neighbors.
Nevertheless there is a pleasant smile on the face too before going to bed after thanking the Lord.

I wonder why we feel what we feel??
We’ve not failed somewhere, but haven’t succeeded yet either…We as humans just keep trying.
After all that’s what life is all about, right? To keep moving on?!
Rise each time to fall, but pick up something each time you fall!!

I wish I could go back to the old days when I was a child and I could simply crack, laugh, enjoy, every bit of LIFE!!

That was Life or is this Life??

One winter morning...

It was Feb 2010, when I was preparing for my NIFT entrance exams, sitting on my cozy bed and wrapped in a warm blanket, my book kept on my fluffy pillow and me desperately struggling to concentrate since it was kind of “one night study before the exam.” It was almost 6 a.m. in the morning, and my quantitative aptitude book was feeling slightly ignored. My eyes half open, and through that partial vision I was trying to comprehend those black ink marks on the white paper. As I was almost giving in to sleep, the phone screeched. In an unjust manner I so cursed its inventor, though it was the same device that had also brought so many messages filled with warmth before. It was just a few steps away on my computer table. My possessive bed was not permitting me to get up and receive the call. I reluctantly left my bed, crawled to the table and responded groggily. “Hello” I said, but the line disconnected. Irritated I decided to make it helpless by keeping the receiver aside on the table and return to my bed. Sleeping felt especially very good during exams. I decided to set my cell phone alarm and sleep for a while. It seemed now that my landline telephone was all set to take revenge by conspiring against me. I’d forgotten to set my cell phone on a silent mode, which now vibrated rigorously. My customized fancy ring tone that rang out seemed so noisy at that moment. Before I could respond, I heard a husky voice speak in a commanding tone on the other end. “Please give the phone to Mr. Merchant”. “Excuse me, hello?!!” I interrupted. “I guess, you’ve dialed a wrong number.” “Ohh is it, well apologies then” he said and hung up. A few disturbances in around 30 minutes were enough to irritate me. My sleep vanished now. Neither was I in a mood to study.

I decided to go for a brisk walk. I put one my suede jacket and a stylish muffler, checked the time in my cell phone & left from home.

As I was walking, I was enjoying the cool weather as much as my walk. My mood suddenly changed and I felt fresh. A beautiful morning, a warm jacket, a fancy muffler and a carefree easy-going life!! I’d saw a fountain at the crossroads, and went close to it to enjoy the light sprinkles of water that would fall delicately on my face. The orange glow of the rising sun looked so raw and pure. Quite similar to that depicted by a little school kid in his portrait. Jus as I was walking on the clean open city roads, smiling to myself, I came across a small girl. I stopped abruptly. I could see her shivering badly. Her ears covered with her hands so as to prevent the cool breeze from entering. Her clothes semi torn, standing right in front of me barefooted, looking at every other pedestrian around in a wishful manner. Our eyes met. I started feeling sorry and sad. My smile disappeared instantly. I wondered how nature can be wonderful to one and harsh to others. She wasn’t crying. Maybe she was used to this cold. She did not even ask for anything to me. But her eyes that kept staring and did not even blink spoke much…

I returned home. Inspite of a brisk walk, I did not feel warm. I could feel the cold inside me. Feeling quite sorry and guilty, I wondered, I couldn’t provide her with my cozy bed, my warm jacket, my stylish muffler, and surely not with a carefree easy going life. May be I was as helpless as she was…

Pieces..

Some pieces of love,
A few of felicity..
Some broken ones of sorrow,

The big ones of smiless
And the lil ones of tears..

Some regular ones of desires,
And the irregular ones of thoughts..

Making up my life
Are these pieces of me!

A distant Phone Call

It was one of those dull days, when you feel like not doing anything and chillaxing at home. One of those days when you start feeling low on recalling something, you feel lonely and you want a buddy to “talk” to, to share a few incidents, to pour your heart out.

So that evening mum all decked up for a party asked me “Why are you still lying on your bed girl?? Get up! It’s our family friend’s daughter’s engagement. They want you to remain present!”. “You can leave mamma.” I will be joining you and papa ‘after a while’ She closes the front door, exits the house and gets into the car with dad to leave. It was now when I could hear my loneliness clearer than ever. I climbed upstairs to the terrace along with my cell phone. The approach of King Winter was causing everything to grow dark. Thinking nothing, I decided to scroll down my list of contacts in the phone, wishing that atleast one would click with whom I could just crack & be myself. After sometime I realized I couldn’t call up most of my friends since some would have been busy with their girlfriends or boyfriends or their family, and some I had stopped talking to. “What a wastage of memory it is!” I thought.

I simply stood staring at the sky & not willing to budge. Suddenly my phone screeched loud. It was some unknown number flashing on the miniature screen. I picked up the call. “Yello beautiful, I want to do FRANDHSHIP with you..!!” It said.“What the crap” I said, “Who’s that”. The voice repeated, “Bhaktiii, I say please be my friend!” An irritated me asked the chap to hang up or else i’d box him hard for his guts!

Suddenly I hear a laugh, “Wait yaa girl..its me Chandni. Calling from nasik. How are you?! And between this one’s my new number yaa. Better jot it down!” She sounded super happy and made me chuckle too. For some reasons I kept smiling & felt ludicrously happy on hearing her voice.“Hi sweetie, M doing super great. How come you remembered me? Wassup” I said. “Sweets I just wanted to talk to you. I went for this movie you suggested – Golmaal and had an absolute fun. I love your taste when it comes to bollywood masala flicks" Unlike many of my friends who were just good at criticizing me, she was this one sweetheart who would shower compliments & show affection at times when I needed the most – accidently though!

I felt so damn energetic at the end of the conversation, was all charged up and ready to join in ma & paa at the engagement party. I felt really glad and special when she chose me off her contacts. I was jus left smiling at nothing, thinking how whimsical a man can be..sad at one moment, angry at next, and happy at the very next. I realized that nothing in the world lasts forever. Happiness may be transient, but so does sadness. I put on one of my favorite outfits & left for the function enthusiastically.

P.S. This article is dedicated to one of my closest friends with whom I share a strange yet a very great bond – Chandni Kriplani

Languish

I long for you..in my thought
In the center of my soul
I yearn for that one look, that affection in your eyes
Those lil surprises that make me smile


I yearn for that tender assuring touch,
The safe warmth of your arms round my neck
Or one big tight hug


I yearn for you to just stand by me holding my hand


In those busy times,
All I want is a text with a smiley from you
All I wish is that you remember me,
No regrets if we can’t be
I just wish for a happy you
And that i mean to you much more than mere a poesy

LIKES!! :D

Getting up in the morning, and looking at myself in the mirror, even though I’ve cried the entire night. Smiling..simply smiling in a manner that makes my eyes look tinier than before but a glow still visible.

To try placing feet in the lil tiles at my home, in my office, on the terrace or at any damn place. It reminds me of some game I played in my childhood.

Playing with dogs, no matter whomsoever it actually belongs to. Talking to them and loving them see when they tilt their heads with their most adorable eyes widened, as if confused or kinda stupefied on how much humans speak!

Crying in romantic flicks..or crying when feeling low, or crying after a fight or an argument with a loved one on phone..sometimes crying for no reason. And then checking out myself how my face resembles with that of some de-glamorized heroine. Crying lets my grief come out and helps me come back to normal.

Drama..Sometimes its fun being a “Drama Queen” when surrounded by people whom you love. They are ones after all who are supposed to actually jhelofy all the so-called “nakhras & nautanki”, and yet love you to the core.

Long drives at late evenings on a tough rugged manly bike. Enjoying the cool breeze and the thrill of speed.

Reading stuffs related to astrology. I believe I am truly Arien!

Getting up in the midnight, checking my cell phone and realizing I still have hours to sleep.

Connecting with God, even if it just for few milliseconds. Its great when to feel HIS hand above you. It helps me to become calm.

Havmor Choco-chip ice cream cone..and these days in winter. I believe to have one when the craving just goes beyond control.

Romance. Dreaming of romance. Seeing romance on screen. Reading romance in books. The very thought of a lover’s hand round the neck, those cheeks touch in admiration, a warm hug , one assuring touch makes me feel good.

That look you give to your best friend and try to control a laugh on seeing something funny.

Discussing ghost stories with my mum, and making her forcefully sit in front of the idiot box to hear about such spooky incidents. God she gets freaked out to the core.

Myself, i love myself for being naughty, over-smart, lazy, foolish, attention seeking, stupid, jealous, confident, impulsive, bit selfish at times, just the way I AM!!